OK, so we’ve all heard the amusing story in which some hapless father gets squirted in the eye by his newborn son during a diaper change, right? So how is it that nobody warned this hapless father about the ability of an infant to fire a stream of watery feces a good 2-3 feet?

Seriously, is this normal, or does Arden just have superhuman bowels? Every time I go to change her, I feel like I’m trying to diffuse a tiny little poop bomb that could go off at any second. I try to make sure that the old diaper is in a position to block any sudden explosions, but somehow she always seems to know to wait until the exact moment that I take the old diaper away to unleash her fecal fury.

The first time it happened was actually pretty funny. Gilly was in the kitchen while I was changing her downstairs and I must have let out quite a cry of alarm, because she came rushing into the room to make sure we were OK. The poop had shot off the pack-’n-play changing table, onto the laminate floor (luckily, easy to clean), nearly hitting one of our dining chairs. By mere chance I happened to be standing to the side of the table at the time, so only my hand got caught in the blast. Gilly and I have since been the direct target during subsequent explosions. We do a lot more laundry these days…

The latest incident, which occurred early this morning around 5:30 am, wasn’t quite so amusing. I was actually in the middle of cleaning her up and hadn’t even taken the old diaper away when she blew. She erupted with such force that the old diaper I thought was in good blocking position ended up acting as a ramp that sent the poop flying off the portable changing table (which I had set up on our bed…) in a high arching trajectory, onto the sheets of our bed, and onto the bedroom carpet. We were up for a good half hour after that, treating the stains with Nature’s Miracle (never thought I’d be using it to clean up after a human…), changing the sheets on the bed, and of course, finally getting a new diaper on Arden.

After this last experience, we’re seriously considering holding her over the toilet for several minutes at every diaper change. Or maybe we should just change her in the shower to facilitate cleanup.

Anyway, for those of you who are already parents and have experienced projectile pooping… seriously, a “heads up” would’ve been nice. And for those of you who expect to be parents in the future, consider yourselves warned.